February 13, 2005

Child Molestation Is Not Normal
(this blog entry rated R for adult situations)

This is an archived Dear Abby letter:

DEAR ABBY: My mother is married for the second time. They were married when I was 14. A year later, she discovered he'd had an incestuous relationship with both of his daughters from the age of 5 until the oldest went to college and the second girl was 14 or 15. The relationship with the second daughter ended six months before he married my mom. Mother forgave him, and we all went to counseling.

I'm 29 now, with a 7-year-old daughter. We see them only on holidays. My mother doesn't understand why my daughter can't go to their home without me or my husband. My daughter is asking why she doesn't get to see Grandma or spend the night when Grandma asks. Should I tell her why? Is she old enough to understand? My mother has threatened to take me to court for 'grandparent rights.' What do I do?

First of all, this is WAY more typical than you might realize. Reading Dear Abby and Ann Landers for a while will let you realize that women often do as the grandmother does here. Women forgive child molesters and marry them, often in second marriages or as women get older. Usually these men claim to have been cured or to have given it up, but you'll notice that almost every woman writing for advice on the subject has children or grandchildren around. Like a reformed coke fiend dating a Colombian.

You cannot be cured of being a child molester any more than you can be cured of being gay or straight. Maybe you could be heavily brainwashed or have your genitals chopped off or be so deeply drugged that sex is an impossibility, but you cannot just teach out the molesting impulse. The behavior is potentially controllable, but the impulse is not. Do not trust them if they say they're cured; unless you can look at his genitals in a jar of formaldehyde, he's still thinking about doing sick things to innocent children.

Women are wont to forgive these men. I could use a number of advice column letters (Abby, Ann Landers, Dear Prudence, etc.) and show all the examples of women who write asking for 'advice' on their new ex-molester boyfriend or husband, but word the letters in such a way to make it obvious they forgive him and want him around. It's absurd. It's like a bad stereotype of women who are just weak without a man. I don't know if that stereotype explains it, but it's creepy whatever the reason.

Lesson #1 - Child Molesters are not cured, only controlled - controlled by drugs, surgery, jail or exile, for example. Giving them access to your children is dangerous, especially if you let him adopt your children.

Lesson #2 - Report, Report, Report! It is dangerous and destructive. Physically, molesters can cause a great deal of damage to young kids. Emotionally, kids that are molested tend to be depressed, confused, and even suicidal. Oftentimes they go on to be molesters themselves. When done by someone known to them, who ought to be trustworthy, it's even worse to the child's entire ability to relate to others. It can ruin a child's life and deprive a child of any real emotional or physical intimacy later in life. If you know of any molestation going on or recently ended, report it immediately to the local police. Child molesters can remain active into their senior years, and even one instance can destroy a child's life. The woman who wrote this letter to Dear Abby should report the new husband's 'former' activities immediately.

Lesson # 3 - It is Rape. Even if the actual sex doesn't involve shoving and pushing, it is coercive to a child that cannot consent and cannot even process the idea of sexual contact. Child molestation is rape. Do not forgive your child molester boyfriends and husbands. It is not like gambling or drinking, and it's not even like Playboys and Penthouses. Child molestation is a physical and emotional need for an unequal relationship with a child that cannot possibly understand or consent to the act. Don't treat it like having slept around a little and had a one-night stand. Do not forgive child-rapists.

Child molestation is a horrible crime that can last as long as the child lives, affecting the outcome of his or her entire life. It is not curable, it is not forgivable, and it should never be condoned or ignored.


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